there is nothing i love more than a whole day of being at home to putter, alone with bad tv on hulu, sourdough to rise, my mom to call, sun to bask in-- a day to attempt to slow my pace and not plan out every minute. today it was exquisite outside and i picked flowers, made bread, washed epic amounts of laundry and dishes, did some sewing. hallelujah for the little moments.
i've been pushing myself hard these last few months. jacob and i have been trying to figure out our next step, and i keep feeling like if i just plan hard enough, i will be able to control what happens. i clench tightly to some sense that i need to figure out the "best" course of action-- that there is a "best" path out there, if only i can bushwack through enough brush to get there.
but this fixation on planning out the future perfectly has not served me. i've felt stressed like never before, not sleeping well, grinding my teeth at night (?!), having acid tummy, feeling frustrated i can't speed up time to see what happens. that's no way to live! the more tightly i grasp, the less space for creative new energy to bubble up. as i only face toward the future, i miss this beautiful spring here in maine in its fullness. i do want to have a kick-ass plan, but i also want to remain open to unforeseen glorious possibilities.
cultivating spaciousness and relaxation, however, is something you actually have to make time to do. a full day of no agenda on the weekends, a true sabbath from the week, helps center me and give me a taste of the kind of calm and openness i hope to nourish. time outside, time alone, time making nourishing food, time with friends, all help to return me to myself, and i am filled with gratitude for the weekend.